This was written on March 5th, 2008:

John Candy died on March 4th, 1994. I remember this because it was all over CNN. Watching TV in an Army hospital after midnight is difficult. CNN was the only channel that wasn’t too fuzzy or wasn’t showing an infomercial. I heard about John Candy’s death every 20 minutes.

It was after midnight on Friday and we had arrived at the hospital at noon on Wednesday. I was 20 years old and my wife was 22 – we were expecting our first child. They induced her labor on Wednesday but this is taking way too long. There had been some complications…

One step forward two steps back it seemed. At some point in the middle of the night I went for a walk by myself. Hospitals are great for reflection after midnight – there is a quiet tension in the halls.

I believe I stopped in a waiting area and dropped into a chair. I placed my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands – there were tears. I opened my mouth and actually used my voice in this empty alcove/ waiting room. I heard the first word echo off the wall in the hallway, “God…”

My prayer went something like this, “God… if you are there… I need your help… I know I haven’t always been good you know, but I really need you now.”

I asked God to bring my child safely into this world, to protect her and my young wife. If he would do this for me, I would change my life and serve him for the rest of it.

Brittani Diane was born around 7am that morning. She struggled for a few days in the hospital with jaundice, but eventually she recovered very well and we took her home.

A lot of water had passed under the bridge before I thought about that prayer again. It must have been years…

You see I had already sent my young wife back to her parents, because I didn’t want to be a dad or husband. In fact in an official report to the Commanding Officer a Navy Chaplain that reviewed our case said that I was one of the most selfish husbands he had ever met. I read that report years after he wrote it.

He was right…

He is right?

It has been 14 years since John Candy died… 14 years have passed since my voice echoed the name of God in the halls of that pink hospital… 14 years since I held that beautiful little girl in my arms for the first time… 14 years of tears when I allow myself to fully “feel” the love I have for her.

I spent the anniversary of John’s death and my first “real” prayer getting to know a new faith community. I attended my first “official” church staff meeting. I got to witness what happens behind closed doors… I was humbled by that experience. I listened to Godly men and woman wrestling with being a light within their spheres of influence. Listening to people who didn’t know me very well – take my family before the Throne of God. I am always humbled when this happens.

I spent the first part of my evening with a new friend. David is helping me continue on my path toward maturity. We visited a little more than an hour about God’s working in my life… After 14 years, I am less selfish and more mature, but just like my daughter we still have room for growth.

The latter part of my evening was spent meeting with a group Elders discussing the possibility of me joining them in their mission. These men were honest and warm – asked direct, pointed questions with a compassion that exuded Love. Some shared with me their love for the children of God, others wanted to be certain that I knew the importance of Christ in the lives of those children. They walked a beautiful line between being gracious to me and being protective of those they love and care for. Each of them exhibited different characteristics of Godly shepherds. I was honored to be among them and blessed to be encouraged by them.

After leaving this meeting, I became very emotional in the car. It was just last summer that I decided to allow my ministry to die. I made a decision that I would serve God as an Industrial Engineer – that it was going to be easier than ministry. It would be easier on our finances, it would be easier on our time requirements, it would be easier on my wife’s relationship with God and our relationship with each other.

On the one hand, I was right… engineering is easier. On the other hand, I couldn’t let go of God. Since then God has resurrected my passion for serving Him in ministry, ignoring a calling like that is not easy. I faithfully step onto this bridge He is building for our family.

This morning I called Brittani and wished her a Happy Birthday. She is a beautiful girl you know… she is smart and has a wit about her that stops me in my tracks. She is generous and kind, almost to a fault. Physically – she is tall, thin and beautiful – but her real beauty is when you watch her from a distance. Her gracious, loving and compassionate spirit can be seen by everyone – except maybe by her little sister {grin}.

Brittani has “grown gracefully” in her 14 years, but she and I both know that God is not finished with her yet. Physically (as a father… let me say “YIKES!!!”), mentally, emotionally and spiritually she has more growth.

I do too, you know…

While I have grown physically (can you say 80 pounds?), emotionally, mentally and spiritually in the last 14 years – I look forward to seeing where God is taking us and I am trying to trust his leading.

Today I celebrate Britt’s life and the ever-evolving life that I have in God. May He continue to mature us both.

To you, patient reader, I thank you – thank you for being a part of our growth. God has used you in ways that you will never understand – please believe that.

May you continue to be used by Him!